I guess if it doesnt touch your life personally, it is easier just to look the other way and go about your business. I think you would have liked the name. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. I love you. Just the usual. That is about the best I can do. Its starting to annoy me. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I cant go home to an empty house. Insert sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldnt even finish my sentence, here, Me: Im sorry. I am so glad we are here. I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. I worry about her so much already. You only left me with the best and for that, I will always be thankful. I have a lot of dreams. Call me. I told her about the gift I needed to find. One I would have never went down before if you had never died. My due date is April. Im afraid this is the best it is going to get. I read your blog every day and as a father your strength and love is simply amazing!! NYC with our Fairy RoMo is my paradise. Dude. I have been mentally visualizing myself walking into that hospital but then having to walk out with my dead childs costume. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. Thank you for the dinner, you are the sweetest. Your birthday is the same day as Mothers Day. Sweet dreams, little one. Mostly it is still so painful that I find myself trying to block out the memories of that horrific time from flooding my mind. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. I love you, Ro. Thank you. The going to New York thing all alone. The Kardashians?! I think Im dying. He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. I cannot wait for next year and I am so proud to call this place, home. Good friends. I just want my best friend back. Get a few more things done. I can do a city, all alone, and badass, any other month, but not this month. Of course I listened. Ive been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. Their happy, is too loud. I know what that feels like. Such a little skeptic he is. I miss you so much. So much so that at one point I told her I felt like my vagina was going to fall out due to the heaviness of carrying Poppy. Thats all for tonight. I will be thankful for those moments. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, Can you please get Ronans costume for me. I can be brave. Im o.k. Not because I dont love it. He came in beaming and so happy. To cry. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. Her pump, full, lips look just like yours. I do think this is true. Walking in with it was easy. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. Not because he thinks I am wrong, but I think he likes to provoke me into thinking long and hard about things from every angle, before I take such a strong stance. You should have been the one, watching me die from old age. Not crying. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. I would like to think so. It just tells me, once again, what we are doing, is so right. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. We fell asleep pretty early. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. I sent Dr. Jo a text to tell her that this conference desperately needed her there. 6 would have been absolutely perfect in this so-called imperfect world that does not exist if you have all of your kids, healthy and living. But I miss the days when life was always beautiful, always joyful, always full of such love and laughter. Your daddy keeps reminding me how much you wanted a brother or sister. My nights have been spent writing and working on this book. I dont get to teach you all the things I dreamed of. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. I sat today and tried to be productive. I came home yesterday to the sweetest thing on our porch. Gnite baby doll. My list will include the things that are truly important such as the health of your brothers, this Poppy baby, your daddy, our loved ones and for all the people who have been touched by your story and who are helping keep you alive in a way. How stopping will make me want to run up my mountain 8 months pregnant and not come back down. And maybe a little less sad. After the Stand Up to Cancer benefit, "Ronan" was only released on iTunes, with all proceeds donated to the Taylor Swift Charitable Fund. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and Poppys Godfather, said to me a while ago, You know its going to be a circus. I just told him in no way shape or form did I want that. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. Sorry if that was TMI, but if youve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. Kass. I just sat and cried into the phone. Maybe after she gets here, my mind will change but as of now, it has not. Maya! I love you. I picked up Starbucks. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. I dont fit well into that world anymore, but I love our hostess so for her, I was totally game. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. I love you. I had no idea that I had little runners in our family! I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. I dont need to believe in a fucking GOD for this to happen so people need to stop saying that. We sat for a while longer and caught up. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. Do not let him be taken away. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Why do you sound like that? She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. Surgery was done, to remove what was there. She also told me she hoped I was o.k. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. Fuck. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. Thanks for making it rain on him the other night while he was out for a walk with his mama. She told me she would keep a close eye on me, strip my membranes again, like she did with you if I wanted Poppy to come out a little early. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just cant take living this life without you anymore. I dont understand this. 4 boys but there should have been 6. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. Its been much too long. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? I would give my life for those problems. Im alone and I have nobody to take care of me.. Almost too good. Maybe Ill take in on in my free time. Something these families and kids so deserve when going through something like this. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. If you are not and you are still complaining about this shit I would really like to punch you in the face. It was quiet. If I wasnt sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. Thank you, sweet strangers. I talked to you in my head the way I always do when I need you to work your little Ronan magic. There were sooooo many happy people, everywhere. It felt good just to be out with my friend. I promise to be the best little tenant ever. You are a writer, plain and simple. I got home to our empty house. Ill enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. 2 years without you and Im sitting here scratching my head saying how can that be? I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. I may have had a mini freak out last night in our hotel room. It actually felt good. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. Me: Ill bet nothing bad ever happens here., Your daddy: That is not true. Any of it. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and How surreal this all still seems to me. Go, go, go. When I remembered this meeting was taking place, I of course told your Fairy RoMo about it and she was more than happy to go with me. In bed? I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. Alright little man. I have been reading all of your comments today. I am floored. I often give her crap about this. I am so proud to call you all my friends and I will never forget what you did for us not only today, but always. I am just proud that I actually started it and I am making progress. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. I have been getting through the days alright really; I suppose. And the people that work in this building, could not be lovelier! Period. She has been diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, but luckily, it has been caught early, at Stage 1. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. I miss you. The way I run myself ragged, Im surprised it took this long. I ran the lake as fast as I could with an injured knee from my previous running that I have been doing. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. I dont like being in our house, without you. How could it be with your sweet sister snuggled up to me? He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. If this baby is a girl, I will fall over. Fuck. Macy. It makes me sad and stings my eyes. After the whole White House petition, I knew I was due for a breakdown. I told them it was o.k. Ill check in with you later. This means no computer time, only a little time is spent posting the never ending cute little Poppy pics on Instagram as my way of trying to keep up with all of your lovies out there. Its fucking depressing, to say the least. It seems to completely throw them all off. By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. I will never understand why this is acceptable. From somebody named Tree. I cant even begin to think about a nursery. I just miss him so much., I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. Poppy is so lucky. Complainers are everywhere. Ill bet you are the WORST sick patient ever. Holy smokes I was blown away! Ive been really busy. Nothing helps. Ihave been doingnothing but spending my days with her, being quiet and still. Ronan. I could hardly get that story out without choking on my tears. I miss you. Fucking cancer. I poked my head up out of bed to get a peek at your daddy who was stripping sheets, washing blankets, and tending to your brothers. I chose to see you today. if everybody came back in the room with me. Its not funny. We shall see, right Ro baby. Until 7:30 this morning. I sat there numbly and didnt say much. How you would scream and cry and try to be brave, but you hated it so much. This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . OMG. I hope you are safe. It doesnt seem possible. I watched your daddy come home from work today. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. You arent sleeping at all. She told me she would send me back to get more in depth ultrasounds whenever I wanted, she would find any excuse to send me. THANK YOU. Thank you for not being thankful for any of the shallow things in life, but for the things that truly matter. And guess what else this year is. I trust in you. Stress. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. I am angry and sad in a way that I havent been in a while and there is nothing that can make this pain go away or better. After I left my friend, I ran to the store. Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called. Depth. I no longer love the luxury of not having things to do. Time to go, little man. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. Follow up plans were made. Are you laying with your child, as he takes his last breaths? Im tired. I told them I was. You know what the baby is, dont you. I smiled. I dont want to sit and punch things or hurt myself. I inhaled it, hoping for it to smell like you. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . In a way that I havent been able to do since you died. Your daddy knows Ive been having the worst time sleeping. I asked him how I was ever supposed to face the world again as I never went anywhere without Ro, my little partner in crime. I am sorry. Fuck, I thought to myself. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. I am trying my best. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. I should to have been the one watching you die at only almost 4 years old. That I needed to see him today. Holla! I tried to get to sleep at a decent hour last night but my achy body and the thoughts of you, were consuming me. It started Wednesday night. Ronan. Ill let you know when I know more. What in the hell is that all about? I was restless the night before due to this phone call even though I told myself I was just going to wing and speak from the heart, I still went to bed over-analyzing everything. I told your brothers once again, how I really want to name this baby girl, Poppy. The thought of the ER and the reality that would come with it, kept me at home, chugging Gatorade. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. I grab my Ambien that I now only take due to emergencies. A small part of me thinks that if we had indeed lived in this small little sleepy town, that you would still be here. To make sure good things continue to go on, because of their baby? I think I will wear black all day long. When do you leave for New York? I spent the next couple of days, wishing for death just due to how physically awful I felt and for the first time, it was due to something else then the loss of you. I ended up walking a bit too but I was fine with that. holly springs town council meeting,